Adventures in Modern Conveniences
by TigerQueen
Summary: Old, silly joke-fic. Inuyasha discovers one of our era's more useful inventions...


_I'm hungry._

_Damn it, where **is that wench?  "Inuyasha, I need to go home.  I need to go to school.  I need, I need, I need," **keh******!  What I need is FOOD, woman!**_

_That does it.  She must have food somewhere in her room – maybe there's ramen in one of these rollout boxes!*_

_Clothes.___

_Clothes.___

_WHAT THE HELL???_

_Shit!  Why would one woman need so much clothing?  Sure, they get torn and bloody back home, but doesn't she know how to repair her own things?  Damn careless, heartless weakling._

_YES!!!  FOOD!!!_

_Ok, I don't know what it is, but it's wrapped in that thin shiny stuff that sticks to your hands, just like the other snacks she brings home from this place.  There are **lots** of them in this blue bag, too...she won't be too mad if I just eat a few, right?  Ah, who cares?  She'll just have to deal – teach **her to leave me waiting for her while she screws around at school...not literally!  Kagome does **not** screw around...does she?  OF COURSE NOT!  I would smell it on her, damn it!  Besides, she's not that kind of girl.  She's good.  NOT THAT WAY!  Not that I would think about her that way.  ****Ever.**_

_Oh.  Right.  Food._

_FOOD!!!_

_..._

_Hmm...this__ is very **strange** food.  It doesn't even smell like food...but humans have such weak noses that much of their new food doesn't smell right.  This is sort of crunchy on the outside, but in a splintery kind of way.  Doesn't really taste good...doesn't really have a taste at all...and the filling has a very strange texture...kind of fuzzy, actually.  Ick.  I wonder if I can even get it down..._

_Nope.  No **way** __that thing's__ going down._

_Maybe I just got a bad one...guess not.  The next six are exactly the same.  What's wrong with this food?_

"**I'M HOME!"**

_Sigh...only the kid.  Wait, would he know?_

"Eh, Souta!"

"Coming!"

...

_As slow as his freakin' sister...___

"What is it, Inu-no-niichan?...WHAT ARE YOU DOING???"

_Hmm...__I've seen that look before...when I almost told Kagome her medicine was made with raw liver..._

"What does it **look like I'm doing?  I'm trying to eat!"**

"But...you...you can't eat **that**!"

"Why not?"

"It isn't food!"

_Ah.  That explains it._

"So...what is it?  And why is it wrapped in little packets like food?!"  _I don't like being tricked._

"Those are...Onee-san's...**things**."

"Things?"

"**Things."  _Thanks, boy, that cleared up EVERYTHING._**

"What KIND of 'things,' brat?"

"The kind of things you don't touch!  Put 'em back right now – she'll **kill you if she finds out!"**

"But..."

"**I'M HOME!"**

_Shit.  Will she really get that angry?  The boy looks like he's going to wet himself...maybe I should..._

"Hello, Souta, Inuyasha...are you hungry?  I'm absolutely **starving and...what's going on?  Is something wrong, Souta?"**

"Nuhnuhnuhnnno, Onee-san...I'm not really hungry – I gotta go – bye!"

_Traitor.__  Good thing I've got my hands behind my back.  She looks suspicious, though...this can't be good._

"Inuyasha, did something happen to Souta in school today?"

"No."

_Shit, she's noticed my hands..._

"Inuyasha, what do you have in your hands?"

"NOTHING!"

"**I-Nu-Ya-Shaaaaaa-"**

_Shit shit shit shit shit...she's going to say it.  Should I show her?  But then she'll **really sit me!  But since I'll fall on my face – stupid necklace throws me off balance – she'll see anyway!  So, should I show her now and...**_

"**OSUWARI!!!"**

_Ouch...shit...damn that bitch...damn her STRAIGHT to Hell..._

"Inuyasha...are those my tampons?"

_What's with the tiny voice?  What's SHE embarrassed about???_

"I don't know, you tell me!  And, while you're at it, maybe you can tell me what kind of stupid human food this is!"

_Is she laughing?  It's kind of hard to tell when she's leaning over my back like that..._

_Yes, the bitch **is laughing.**_

"What the Hell is so damn funny, woman?"

"Well...you see...tampons are...Oh, who cares.  You're probably immune to embarrassment about this kind of thing.  Human guys get so hung up on it, you know?  If you ever want to clear all the Y chromosomes out of a room, all you have to do is say, "Tampon."  Boom.  "Bomb!" in airport kind of thing, right?"

_What?_

"Anyway, they're tampons.  I use them to stop the blood when I get my period.  We don't want every demon in Japan to smell me, and I figure they mask the scent better than pads."

_Blood?__  Period?  Smell?_

_SHIT._

"You mean you use those to...when you're..."

"Yep."

_Definitely **not hungry any more.__**_

~fin~

*drawers – I don't think they had drawers in Feudal Japan, although I'm probably wrong.

Oi...hope you weren't completely grossed out by that.  I think that most of us are girls here, right?  I don't know, **I thought it was funny...  And yes, they were ****clean, unopened tampons.  So, before you flame me for being completely disgusting, consider the fact that clean tampons are basically just fake cotton...swatch-y things.  There's nothing inherently gross about the action of trying to eat one – it's just the _association_ that's...**

I'll shut up now.


End file.
